I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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are they though??
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards