I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.