Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
They’re not wrong
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My whole life was a lie.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
The three genders.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.