Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks