Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”