When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”