I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one