I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.