[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
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Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.