Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
You Might Also Like
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say