Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
me doing my best
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.