Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
my one true gender
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Spell check is for lasers.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon