Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
But I really needed water water water
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I want to meet the individual who made this
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars