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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
taking June’s advice to heart
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
When someone says you are so lazy
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Europe. Made in Germany.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun