don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.