Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.