so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
how high up are we talkin’?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.