When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
🤣😂🤣
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?