Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
You Might Also Like
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
fixed it
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.