[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
pls suprot
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.