Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
yeah not falling for this one
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no