This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.