i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.