Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
🙅🏻
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?