I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
me and the Superbowl rn
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”