So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
You Might Also Like
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?