Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.