My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
This is me 🤣🤣
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.