Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”