When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.