me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
✌🏽
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
“Huge”.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.