me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
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me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn