Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions