“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
bro what is going on at twitter
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.