Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I bet birds love this building.
Meeeee too!
You’ll be OK
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”