Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Merry Christmas
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
classic mixup
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”