the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
house sitting!
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.