Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm