Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
i want the dreams to chase me for once
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
shampoo implies shampee
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I don’t make the rules sorry
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it