her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
saving face 👀
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I have questions??
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.