The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
this FaceApp is creepy af
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.