I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I forgot how to panic. Help
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better