My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.