Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I finally found a reason to live again.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
The Joker was right
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”