boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
one last job
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.