If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower