Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
my mom making me talk to relatives
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.