No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Happens to everyone.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Challenge accepted.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO