I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.