I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
584.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
What about second breakfast?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem